Mission Impossifail
by yaphi1
Summary: Stupidity runs rampant as the world's worst spy team attempts to recover the Triforce.


The corridor was nearly pitch dark. A figure dressed in all black dropped to the ground. "I'm a-Wario," he growled. "I'm a-gonna win."

Donkey Kong had been watching the whole thing from a security monitor in the control room. He slapped his forehead with his palm. "What's Wario doing in there?"

"Is there a problem?" asked Waluigi. His tone might have been threatening if he didn't sound like a duck.

"Yes," said Donkey Kong, as Wario waddled around onscreen. "I asked for the Elite Squadron, not the L.M.A.O. Platoon."

"Whoa DK, you're talking normally," said Link. "What happened to those weird screeching noises you used to make?"

Donkey Kong frowned. "I went to the doctor last week. It turns out I've had a flamingo stuck in my throat since Mario Kart 64. Toad's idea of a prank."

"Can we a-focus here?" cried Mario.

"Okay," said Donkey Kong. "We're no closer to achieving our goal than before, and our elite team is missing. We're trying to infiltrate a base, and we're stuck with the lolsquad…"

As if to prove Donkey Kong's point, the security monitor showed Wario attempting to scratch his butt, missing, and instead pulling the pin on a grenade strapped to his belt. As Wario ran around screaming, "WAAAAAHH," Link tried to stifle his laughter.

"I'm telling you," said Link, "you should have sent me in. We _are_ looking for the Triforce, after all."

"You don't have enough courage," said Donkey Kong.

Link's eyes widened. "Excuse me? Do you know who you're talking to?"

Donkey Kong chuckled. "Listen, Link. Real courage means running around in public completely naked except for a pair of bright red sneakers."

Link clenched his jaw. "Are you talking about Sonic?"

Donkey Kong smiled. "Who else?"

Link tried to control himself but he couldn't. "Striiiiike!" he bellowed as whirled around, making a flaming arc with his sword.

Donkey Kong raised his eyebrows at the outburst. "Please try to limit the angst-filled twirling to when no one's watching."

Link opened his mouth to speak, but Donkey Kong cut him off. "Listen. I'm sorry your parents never went to your ballet recitals when you were a kid, but now's not the time to take out repressed feelings."

"At least my parents didn't name me Donkey," said Link.

Donkey Kong stood up so fast that his chair tipped back and slammed to the ground. "What did you say, skirt-boy?"

"Now you're making fun of my clothes?" challenged Link. "Why don't you put on some pants first? I don't know who told you it was okay to wear just a tie, but—"

"Let's a-calm down," said Mario. "We need to help a-Wario."

Donkey Kong took a deep breath. "Fine. Wario's going into a room. It's off camera. We need to turn on radio support." DK switched on an audio device. "Wario, can you hear me? The room could be a trap."

"It's not a trap," said Wario. "It's just some a-scrawny guy, and he's… he's… Uh oh… WAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Wario, what happened?" demanded Donkey Kong.

Wario shot out of the room and slammed the door. On the security monitor, Donkey Kong watched him sink down against the opposite wall, shivering as he cradled his knees.

"Wario," repeated Donkey Kong, "what happened?"

Wario's breath came in ragged gasps. "I got Rick-rolled."

"This is ridiculous," said Link. "I'm going in." He was out of the control room before anyone could stop him.

Link went to the basement of the complex and marched down the hall. Wario was so consumed by his own trauma that he barely noticed Link walking by. At the end of the hall, there was a door with a sign that said: _Beyond this door lies the ultimate power_.

"See?" said Link looking up at where he guessed the cameras would be. "Finding the Triforce wasn't that difficult. Wario just went into the wrong room." Link opened the door. To his surprise, he found golden shards littering the ground. Over the shards stood a man with both fists clenched.

Link gasped. "Chuck Norris?"

Chuck paid him no attention. "F***ing yellow triangles think they're the ultimate power…"

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